So, I was thinking to myself about girls. Wait, that sounds weird.
Okay, more like why girls act the way they do sometimes. I mean.. most of my friends are 24+, but it's really interesting to discover that a lot of my younger girlfriends, are more mature than most of my older girlfriends- by that I mean "Oh, my friend doesn't like this girl so I have to hate her too".. Really? Or disliking for stupid reasons. Come on.. That's just ridiculous. Or gossiping, or rumors.. I'm only 20, but I can say I do my best to avoid gossip.. If I have something to discuss with someone I will speak to them myself.
Which is why I think it's really funny when people say that I like drama, when in all reality.. drama is what I try to stay away from. I can't remember the last time I really had a confrontation with someone.. I generally try to avoid it because it really doesn't matter to me. And that is why I think it's funny when people say I'm all about drama. Sorry everyone.. You got the wrong girl.
This was a total bitch post. Really didn't have anything to do with anything of substance, but no one reads this - therefore, it was just a thought that needed to come out. Yep. Hah.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Alien.
When you do find that person that you're looking for, when you're with someone you love- lay next to them and put your head against theirs. Then take a moment to think about everything that defines you. Take a moment to think about how you see the world. Think about how much there is in your mind - your own universe - that nobody will ever be able to completely know or understand. Then realize that your head is touching another universe - theirs. Think about how much must be in that mind that is only millimeters away.
I've always looked for the "why" in everything, every situation- And it wasn't until someone very recently started asking me "why".. That I realized how hard it can be to explain certain things when asked "why". I guess now I'm realizing that I should have lived more in the moment, if you will, and not wondered why and just accepted the feeling- I guess I still could. There's no telling how much time you have, so you might as well take action now, right?
That's all you really can do, and it's all you really have anymore. Hanging onto the past which is no longer tangible isn't really worth the effort. When something is still in reach, yeah, sure.. get it, but sometimes things are just too far out of our reach, and those are things we should let go of. Besides that, all we really have is our futures. And that is always open for molding.
Today was rough, but eye-opening.
Have a good night, to whoever reads this.
I've always looked for the "why" in everything, every situation- And it wasn't until someone very recently started asking me "why".. That I realized how hard it can be to explain certain things when asked "why". I guess now I'm realizing that I should have lived more in the moment, if you will, and not wondered why and just accepted the feeling- I guess I still could. There's no telling how much time you have, so you might as well take action now, right?
That's all you really can do, and it's all you really have anymore. Hanging onto the past which is no longer tangible isn't really worth the effort. When something is still in reach, yeah, sure.. get it, but sometimes things are just too far out of our reach, and those are things we should let go of. Besides that, all we really have is our futures. And that is always open for molding.
Today was rough, but eye-opening.
Have a good night, to whoever reads this.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Post 3 today? wow.
Wow.. 3 posts in one day?
Well, It hasn't gotten better- but I really just wanted to try to verbalize a scattered thought I had going on.
We all have our lives and a lot of the time we are with people we care about, we have families, friendships, relationships- We spend however much amount of time with those people, until the friendship or relationship ends and it starts to feel after awhile like it never really happened? It turns into some form of distant dream, does that mean that we emotionally lose those years? Because they're gone, and the world is still turning.. "Did it ever happen?" is what you will start to wonder. Maybe the time spent alone is the time where we really grow, and don't lose anything emotionally.
I was talking today with my roommate about relationships.. with I guess just anyone, not necessarily romatic relationships and how when they end you really think back, and you find yourself thinking about all those times where you argued, or got upset about something stupid- or didn't take the time to tell them you love them whenever you could, didn't do things to make them smile, didn't really spend that emotional time together just talking, and just being near each other.. Seems like bullshit now, right? But we tend to forget all of that whenever we have something safe, and we take it for granted. I hate that.
Well, It hasn't gotten better- but I really just wanted to try to verbalize a scattered thought I had going on.
We all have our lives and a lot of the time we are with people we care about, we have families, friendships, relationships- We spend however much amount of time with those people, until the friendship or relationship ends and it starts to feel after awhile like it never really happened? It turns into some form of distant dream, does that mean that we emotionally lose those years? Because they're gone, and the world is still turning.. "Did it ever happen?" is what you will start to wonder. Maybe the time spent alone is the time where we really grow, and don't lose anything emotionally.
I was talking today with my roommate about relationships.. with I guess just anyone, not necessarily romatic relationships and how when they end you really think back, and you find yourself thinking about all those times where you argued, or got upset about something stupid- or didn't take the time to tell them you love them whenever you could, didn't do things to make them smile, didn't really spend that emotional time together just talking, and just being near each other.. Seems like bullshit now, right? But we tend to forget all of that whenever we have something safe, and we take it for granted. I hate that.
I write a lot at work.
The whole idea of just leaving is so great. Just actually going. Not to join in on a new form of civilization but taking some time away from civilization. You know, just living out there in all of Gods' wonder. Just breathing it all in and existing in the way that people did so long ago.
Really living. Is suburban america really living? You do what you're told and nothing else matters? Really? Yeah.. happiness isn't a situation, it's a choice - but life is a playground, as well as this world, and I could never be okay with believing certain peoples false ideals of how to live, how to love or what is right, and I could never be okay with meaningless existence. I think we should live passionately, kindly, faithfully and enthusiastically. It's raging all around us, all the time. Just gotta grab it.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac
I hate that I have this problem with impulsiveness, it sucks but at the time feels so good. Feels like that burning desire sitting in the bottom of your stomach that's just desperately excited and desperately trying to show itself in all ways. Just boom.
Really living. Is suburban america really living? You do what you're told and nothing else matters? Really? Yeah.. happiness isn't a situation, it's a choice - but life is a playground, as well as this world, and I could never be okay with believing certain peoples false ideals of how to live, how to love or what is right, and I could never be okay with meaningless existence. I think we should live passionately, kindly, faithfully and enthusiastically. It's raging all around us, all the time. Just gotta grab it.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac
I hate that I have this problem with impulsiveness, it sucks but at the time feels so good. Feels like that burning desire sitting in the bottom of your stomach that's just desperately excited and desperately trying to show itself in all ways. Just boom.
glycerine.
It's really interesting that our best moments to write tend to be some of the worst moments we experience.. Maybe because when we're happy we don't feel the need to write, because we're busy being happy. Yeah, makes sense.
It's come to the point now where I've literally pushed everyone away that I possibly could. Some of it may have been my fault, maybe some of it other peoples' fault. But either way, I don't have a whole lot right now. I've pretty much reached bottom- and by that I mean that even when I really felt like I had nothing, I still knew that I had my family. And as of today my family is no longer speaking to me.
Walking into work today after my conversation with my mom was painful.. when I wanted to just turn around and drive somewhere where no one knows me. Where I can start over. I'm sure we've all felt that way atleast once in our lives, and yeah it sucks.
Where do we go from here? When we reach bottom? .. What about when everyone you loved turns around and walks away?.. And you know, worse than that.. they come back around and use you, and hurt you.. only to leave you again and probably come BACK because they KNOW that you will be there. They know that you care, and they know that you fucking love them and would never do anything to see them hurt, and they don't fucking care. They just don't fucking care. I don't see the point. And where is God in all of this?
Sometimes people leave, but it's okay that we know we will see them again and it will be better than anything you can imagine. But what about when seeing them again is uncertain, when someone you love walks away and you have to face the idea that you may never see them again. 20 years down the drain, 2.5 years, 6 months... Just gone. I can't handle that.
It's come to the point now where I've literally pushed everyone away that I possibly could. Some of it may have been my fault, maybe some of it other peoples' fault. But either way, I don't have a whole lot right now. I've pretty much reached bottom- and by that I mean that even when I really felt like I had nothing, I still knew that I had my family. And as of today my family is no longer speaking to me.
Walking into work today after my conversation with my mom was painful.. when I wanted to just turn around and drive somewhere where no one knows me. Where I can start over. I'm sure we've all felt that way atleast once in our lives, and yeah it sucks.
Where do we go from here? When we reach bottom? .. What about when everyone you loved turns around and walks away?.. And you know, worse than that.. they come back around and use you, and hurt you.. only to leave you again and probably come BACK because they KNOW that you will be there. They know that you care, and they know that you fucking love them and would never do anything to see them hurt, and they don't fucking care. They just don't fucking care. I don't see the point. And where is God in all of this?
Sometimes people leave, but it's okay that we know we will see them again and it will be better than anything you can imagine. But what about when seeing them again is uncertain, when someone you love walks away and you have to face the idea that you may never see them again. 20 years down the drain, 2.5 years, 6 months... Just gone. I can't handle that.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
This will make no sense.
So, I bet these first few posts are always weird. Feel like I'm writing for someone else and not for me, So I'm just gonna try to throw that feeling off the table..
Well, I really don't know a lot of what I'm feeling right now.
Very conflicted is a good way to describe it. I said it before but I still don't understand why every person is so bad to each other so often, It doesn't make sense to simply hurt people.. especially knowingly. Or lie. Or use people. I guess I could say I feel bad for the people who do that type of stuff.. It's a really pathetic way to exist. Being a coward is not a legitimate career. I guess I've just been noticing all the bad in the world more recently. That's why I love my group of friends, they are seriously the best people, and it feels so good to have someone call and just ask how my day was, or sit and talk about something besides what we see on the surface level. That's love.
I guess more recently I've really been feeling like I kind of just want to go explore, and take full advantage of everything I can - as far as what's been provided for me as far as nature and laughter and experiences. There is so much to do! And a lot of people forget about that, and get caught up with things that don't matter.
One thing to remember is that you can always be better than what you think you can be. When you've reached your limit the only thing left to do is break through and become better. Unfortunately, a lot of the things we go through to get to that point really change us as people- and a lot of the times, it's things that literally break our hearts to witness or be a part of.
A lot of people ask me why I do certain things that I do, nothing bad- but I might not need to do them. I guess I can answer that by just saying that I don't want to regret not doing whatever it was that I did. I want to always do what God calls me to do, what makes me happy, what inspires me, what strengthens me, makes me happy to be alive and makes me feel like I'm fully living my life with the people that I care about. That's my goal in life.
Have a good day to whoever had the patience to read through all of this. :)
Well, I really don't know a lot of what I'm feeling right now.
Very conflicted is a good way to describe it. I said it before but I still don't understand why every person is so bad to each other so often, It doesn't make sense to simply hurt people.. especially knowingly. Or lie. Or use people. I guess I could say I feel bad for the people who do that type of stuff.. It's a really pathetic way to exist. Being a coward is not a legitimate career. I guess I've just been noticing all the bad in the world more recently. That's why I love my group of friends, they are seriously the best people, and it feels so good to have someone call and just ask how my day was, or sit and talk about something besides what we see on the surface level. That's love.
I guess more recently I've really been feeling like I kind of just want to go explore, and take full advantage of everything I can - as far as what's been provided for me as far as nature and laughter and experiences. There is so much to do! And a lot of people forget about that, and get caught up with things that don't matter.
One thing to remember is that you can always be better than what you think you can be. When you've reached your limit the only thing left to do is break through and become better. Unfortunately, a lot of the things we go through to get to that point really change us as people- and a lot of the times, it's things that literally break our hearts to witness or be a part of.
A lot of people ask me why I do certain things that I do, nothing bad- but I might not need to do them. I guess I can answer that by just saying that I don't want to regret not doing whatever it was that I did. I want to always do what God calls me to do, what makes me happy, what inspires me, what strengthens me, makes me happy to be alive and makes me feel like I'm fully living my life with the people that I care about. That's my goal in life.
Have a good day to whoever had the patience to read through all of this. :)
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